THE BUREAU'S QUESTIONABLE INVENTIONS ANNEX / VOLUME I
The Contraption Graveyard.
Failed devices, unstable prototypes, and inventions that definitely seemed smarter at the time. Recovered from workbenches, blast zones, and regrettable test sites across the Gnomish Mods Bureau.
Brixie insists every experiment taught us something. Q.A.C.K. insists some experiments taught us to move the workshop farther away.
9 recovered contraptions
Every one started with a problem. Some of those problems appeared about thirty seconds before someone tried to solve them.
Q.A.C.K.-documented
Incident stamps, reported consequences and painstakingly reconstructed blueprints. All gloriously fictional.
Friends welcome
Adorevil and Alldez contribute suspicious observations. One day, guildmates can suggest their own regrettable inventions.
THE RECOVERED MACHINES / VOL I
Nine excellent mistakes.
Examine the contraption, laugh at the outcome, then open the full incident report and fictional blueprint. If an experiment says it is safe, check which direction the engineer is running.
Showing 9 of 9 archived contraptions
001FEATURED INCIDENT
Atmospheric Relations
The Pocket Weather Negotiator
BANNED INDOORS
Politely request better weather. Received an indoor hailstorm instead.
Q.A.C.K. found no matching disaster. This is either excellent news or suspiciously poor recordkeeping.
THE FULL ARCHIVE / ARCHIVAL INCIDENT FORM 017-B
Read the incident reports.
Each file contains the original bright idea, what actually happened, a character observation and Q.A.C.K.'s official finding. The blueprints are imaginative illustrations and absolutely not instructions.
001The Pocket Weather NegotiatorBANNED INDOORS
Recovered field illustration 001 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Atmospheric Relations Department (one Gnome, no umbrella)
The brilliant idea
A portable brass device that allows adventurers to submit polite weather requests. Rain interfering with your quest? Request sunshine. Snowstorm approaching? Request a delay. Wind blowing the wrong direction? File a complaint.
What actually happened
The device successfully contacted something atmospheric. Unfortunately, whatever answered apparently misunderstood the meaning of clear skies. The resulting hailstorm occurred entirely inside a tavern. Outside, the weather remained lovely.
“Ye asked the sky for a favor. It sent ye a bill.”-- Alldez Crossweft
Reported risk: Tavern-level precipitation. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Fictional recovered blueprint 001. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
002The Emergency Beard DefibrillatorDO NOT APPLY
Recovered field illustration 002 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Department of Emergency Grooming
The brilliant idea
A handheld device capable of restoring a Dwarf's beard after exposure to fire, frost, alchemical mishaps, or exceptionally unfortunate barbering. Market research indicated strong demand, mostly from Dwarves who had not been told how it worked.
What actually happened
The prototype successfully stimulated beard growth. Unfortunately, it did so indiscriminately. The test subject's beard expanded to approximately six times its original volume. The testing chair grew a beard. So did the workbench. The device itself developed sideburns.
“Ye touch my beard with that contraption again, and I'll demonstrate a different kind of lightning.”-- Alldez Crossweft
Reported risk: Structural beard accumulation. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Fictional recovered blueprint 002. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
003The Self-Stirring Ale HelmetPROHIBITED
Recovered field illustration 003 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Brixie Boomwhistle, following what she calls a perfectly reasonable lunch
The brilliant idea
A revolutionary helmet that automatically stirs a tankard of ale while leaving the wearer's hands free for important activities. Such as carrying another tankard.
What actually happened
The ale remained perfectly still. The helmet rotated. Then the wearer rotated. Then the chair rotated. The machine finally stopped when the operator collided with the tavern's dartboard. The ale, remarkably, was unharmed.
“The beverage was exceptionally well mixed. I see no reason to question the method.”-- Brixie Boomwhistle
Recovered field illustration 004 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Department of Magical Livestock Logistics
The brilliant idea
A machine designed to retrieve sheep-shaped magical transformations when they wander away from a controlled encounter. The engineers considered it an obvious companion to magical crowd-control research.
What actually happened
The accelerator activated successfully. It retrieved four actual sheep, one wool rug, nine unmatched socks, and a very annoyed shepherd. The original transformed enemy remained exactly where it was. Nobody could explain where the shepherd had come from.
“The retrieval mechanism works beautifully. We merely need to revisit our definition of sheep.”-- Brixie Boomwhistle
Reported risk: Livestock and laundry displacement. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Not associated with the live Re-Sheep-erator addon. This is a fictional livestock-retrieval contraption.
Fictional recovered blueprint 004. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
005The Totem Alignment AssistantREBUILD PENDING
Recovered field illustration 005 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Division of Elemental Geometry
The brilliant idea
An automated positioning apparatus that arranges a Shaman's totems into mathematically perfect formations. No more crooked lines, uneven spacing, or embarrassing asymmetrical elemental arrangements.
What actually happened
The device produced an absolutely beautiful geometric pattern. Unfortunately, the totems were positioned according to aesthetic perfection rather than battlefield usefulness. When the testing area proved insufficiently symmetrical, the machine attempted to correct the problem by rotating the entire campsite. Several tents collapsed. A cooking fire relocated itself. Earth reportedly registered a formal objection.
“Ye can have straight lines or helpful totems. Make yer choice.”-- Alldez Crossweft
Q.A.C.K. INCIDENT FINDING
Alignment accuracy extraordinary. Tactical value approximately zero.
Reported risk: Regional geometric concern. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Fictional recovered blueprint 005. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
006The Demon Diplomacy InterpreterCONFISCATED
Recovered field illustration 006 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Department of Cross-Planar Communication, with research assistance from Adorevil Crossweft
The brilliant idea
A translation device designed to make conversations with summoned demons safer and more civilized. It would interpret demonic speech and provide polite, understandable Common-language translations.
What actually happened
The device consistently translated threats into courteous social invitations. 'I shall consume your immortal soul' became 'I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss a long-term arrangement.' 'Your world shall burn' became 'I have several suggestions regarding your heating system.' The demon was delighted. Adorevil became suspicious immediately. She conducted three additional interviews.
“I'm not defending the device. I'm defending the questions. The answers remain deeply concerning.”-- Adorevil Crossweft
Reported risk: Contractual soul exposure. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Fictional recovered blueprint 006. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
007The Tactical Squirrel Deployment RigMISSING
Recovered field illustration 007 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Small Operations and Woodland Logistics Committee
The brilliant idea
A miniature mechanical deployment system designed to send trained squirrels into difficult-to-reach locations, recovering dropped bolts, retrieving tiny components, and locating misplaced equipment.
What actually happened
The squirrels performed brilliantly during initial testing. Then they discovered the supply of nuts. Within minutes, they had abandoned their assignments, occupied the workshop storage shelves, and established what appeared to be a toll booth. All attempts to recover the equipment required payment. The squirrels now own the bolts.
Reported risk: Rodent labor negotiations. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Fictional recovered blueprint 007. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
008The Portable Emergency ExitALMOST USEFUL
Recovered field illustration 008 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Bureau Department of Rapid Departure
The brilliant idea
An emergency doorway that can be deployed anywhere. Lost in a cave? Open the door. Surrounded by enemies? Open the door. Caught in one of Adorevil's experiments? Open the door immediately. The engineers promised the fastest possible route to safety.
What actually happened
The doorway operated perfectly. Every test subject who entered emerged safely. Unfortunately, they always emerged somewhere within a few steps of where they started. Sometimes facing the opposite direction. During one test, the exit returned Onno directly behind the very creature he was escaping. Onno considered this an improvement.
Recovered field illustration 009 · View the complete artwork. A fictional scene from the Bureau archive.
Original inventor
Q.A.C.K. Administrative Automation Division
The brilliant idea
A revolutionary safety system that would automatically print warning notices whenever a dangerous contraption required immediate attention. No more handwritten reports, missing safety labels, or arguments about whether somebody had been warned.
What actually happened
The machine performed every function exactly as designed. Unfortunately, it only recognized a dangerous contraption after the contraption had exploded. The resulting printed notice was beautifully typeset. It read: 'WARNING: THIS DEVICE MAY EXPLODE.' The workshop was already gone.
“At last. An invention that works perfectly.”-- Brixie Boomwhistle
Q.A.C.K. INCIDENT FINDING
Zero printer jams. Zero false alarms. Chronological usefulness under review.
Reported risk: Chronological safety inversion. All records in this archive are fictional humor, not actual tests or game behavior.
Fictional recovered blueprint 009. Illustrative only. No machine, addon, or safety claim is implied.
THE NEXT REGRETTABLE MASTERPIECE
Have a terrible idea?
Future volumes can feature gloriously unsuccessful contraptions suggested by guildmates. For now, the Bureau has no automated submission system: bring the idea to our Discord conversation, and we'll review it before giving anyone inventor credit or publishing anything.
Q.A.C.K. asks that you describe the intended purpose before explaining the explosion. Brixie has filed a formal objection.
001FEATURED INCIDENT
002
003
004
005
006FEATURED INCIDENT
007
008
009FEATURED INCIDENT
